Hello I'm back:) as a mom/business owner

HI!!!!! its me hahaha

this blog was such a dream of mine.. and i was terrified to start it. like so terrified. I am for sure so proud of myself for doing it because I adore my little corner of the internet! I love reading my old posts!

It’s been a few years and in these last few years I have grown in ways I had no idea I could’ve grown. I am realizing in this moment how much more confident this version of Anna is and how un afraid I am to share who I am, what I feel and what I love or what I struggle with!! and also I love reading my old posts and remembering how deeply I feel, my love for living in the now, creating a life you love today and letting yourself feel all the things every single day.

My life right now feels like a tornado everyday, filled with layers of business, twins, family and trying not to leave my own personal joys last, but sometimes it feels like those are always the last priority on my list and can always be pushed off. Always always something more pressing with how much I juggle everyday.

Tonight I was sitting here with a headache from stress and being overwhelmed and I was on instagram.. I know, not the best activity with a headache haha but I noticed the link on my page annafack.com .. i clicked it,. and was reminded of my love for writing and sharing my thoughts. I believe this will help me a lot right now reconnecting with who I am and if my words help one other that’d be a dream come true!

My message today is to do something today that fills your own little heart. In the midst of all this beautiful chaos, It really is so important to connect with yourself and remember who you are! Go on a walk, put away your phone, journal, read a book, breatheeeee, be vulnerable. I am excited to build my little online journal with anyone who wants to read along!!

I will be writing posts on being a twin mama, business owner, and travel life! and I am excited to share the bts of my life!! tell me what you want to know more of!

a peek into life lately with the fack fam:)

love love love,

anna :)

Learning about your Grief

something I wrote at 3am on what would’ve been my sweet dads 67th birthday:

Sometimes grief just hits you like a ton of bricks. Knocks you flat on your back. Demands to be felt. thats what happened to me tonight. Just hit hard. I had not been realized what day it was. Idk, time is flying by with all the covid stuff happening and now all of the sudden it’s August 22. My dads birthday. He would’ve been 67 today.. 

I was sitting on my bed and wasn’t having a very good night.. I looked at my phone checked my instagram notifications and I see a “ see what you posted two years ago” thing ya know. And it was a post for my dads bday. I just broke down and cried. All the things I was having a hard time about disappeared and all that mattered was that he was still gone. And that it hurts. And I can’t do anything bout the fact that he isn’t here. That I have to feel this pain. I just want him here so bad. Living life with us. Helping me, giving me advice. Talking about photography with me, and showing him every picture I take, excited to hear his feedback and critiques. Just crazy. 

How am I supposed to understand something so big but so hard to grasp. Grief is felt.. and honestly that’s portably what makes it so difficult to understand and deal with. You can’t see it, there isn’t a way to measure it, there is no cure lol haha there is no right way. Idk its just there, and it hurts, and no matter how hard you push it away, or for however long, it’s always there and needs to be felt. 

Before my dad died, I did it all. I always could, I could fill my plate and get everything done and when it come to hurting, I didn’t let people in on that. Except my mom and my brother jay. thank you heavenly father for family. I would hold it all together then have a break down, where I’d call my mom on the way home and usually cry and say I needed to come home. and she’d be ready on my bed to chat when I got home.

So when my dad passed, I held it together. I actually think back to this and I am shook at how well I held it together at first. I was at Team USA training in Orlando. I didn’t I understood the reality of what had happened. I was so used to being positive and saying that it was all going to be okay, that thats what I did. I was in shock. All the things. I tried to push it away all summer, but by the end of summer I was losing it. I had some break downs, and my bother Jason helped me a lot, through September and then that was the best General conference ever. OCT 2015 .. a few of my favorite quotes from that weekend are;

I didn’t do well in school that winter semester. And honestly that was when I first started to learn about grief and how much it effects you without even realizing it. I tried to continue on with how I normally handled life and things. But what I didn’t realize was carrying a very large load of pain and grief on my shoulders, while pretending it wasn’t there. The capacity I had before to take on a lot of things was smaller because of the extra load I was carrying. I struggled juggling, school, cheerleading, family, college life, and accepting a new reality.

I learned that you gotta feel. It’s so important.

It’s how you learn about yourself, it’s how you learn about what you’re feeling, it’s how you look AT your feelings instead of through them. Meaning you confront them, know them, grow stronger and take a step forward through grief. instead of acting like it’s all good and you can do away with them, or pretend they aren’t there ya know, and ultimately take your frustration out on the people around you.

Let things in, feel them, say them to your self and out loud, write them down. Gosh its so important to feel your feelings. Being sad is okay, being mad is okay, hurting is okay, being confused it okay. 

I talked about that summer, and how hard it was I remember finding a quote, I don’t know what it was or where I found it, but i remember that ultimate message was that it’s okay to be sad, its okay to cry etc. it was a new feeling to me because I was so good at always smiling and saying, “Im great!” and not letting anyone in ya know. Now I thrive on real conversation and really hearing someones thoughts, hopes and dreams, and struggles.

I really do think that when you’ve experience pain and hurt, you are blessed with an ability to be more grateful and loving, and you appreciate the small things so much more. When you have felt hurt, and pain, you feel love and happiness so much greater too.

I miss my dad. I miss him so much. 5 years later and I think it hurts more every single year if that is somehow possible. I’m so sorry for anyone dealing with grief, loss, suffering, pain, and all the things that come with losing someone, I’m so sorry, you’re not alone, you are stronger than you think, you have a beautiful soul that has been opened up to a love that you would have never experienced before. Harness that, learn about your grief so that you can grow stronger, love harder, see with more clear eyes and have a higher perspective on life, people and love than you ever though imaginable.

I need to go to bed. I am so tired and it is 3am.. dang it. Haha I have been trying so hard to go to bed early. So that I can wake up earlier. Tonight has just been hard.

MY DADDY / 5 years

April 16

Alright friends,

I’ve come back to the drawing board so many times over the past few years and never could get up the courage to write anything about losing my dad. It’s difficult, to try and accept something or even try to explain something so life changing. especially when you wish that something wasn’t real. How do you even put these feelings into words. Here I am the night before the 5 year anniversary of my sweet daddy’s death just writing whats on my heart. I have been in tears all week. This has been the hardest one so far, and it hasn’t even happened yet. I sit here and think of how on earth it has been 5 years and I just can’t understand how we have had to live so long without him. I dont understand how it can even be fair or real that we’ve had to go this long now without dad. It doesn’t feel like this should be my reality, and it hurts more than anything I have every experienced.. that is way too long. 5 years?! how? I hate it.

If you have lost a parent or someone very close to you, these thoughts and feelings, may resonate with you on a very real level. If that is you, please know first that you are not alone, I know how hard this is, and us kids gotta stick together.

I wish tomorrow wasn’t a day of the year that stuck out on my calendar. I wish it was another April day, waiting for the warmth to come and summer to be here. I wish tomorrow I could hang out with my dad, eat dinner, roast mallows and it’d be just another day with my family.. :/ but unfortunately tomorrow is 5 years from the day I lost my hero.

The past few weeks have been very emotional for me. It’s kinda crazy, the feelings and emotions that arise when this day comes up, you can just feel it coming, I cant even explain it. Spring nears, and there is so much excitement in the air and in my heart for warmth, but I also feel a pain in my chest, in my heart and in my whole body. It’s not a new feeling, but usually I can push it away and not let come forward. Around days like these, Fathers day and his birthday.. it’s impossible to suppress it.

Im gonna start small here on what I share because I could go on for so long about what I have learned and gone through, what it feels like losing dad. I could even just write about him for hours because he is everything to me.

but for now here are a few things I want to pass on to you today…

10 things my daddy used to always say

1. The loudest voice you hear is your own.

2. People will forget what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

3. Our job is not to judge, our job is to help and love them.

4. It is easier to ask for forgiveness, than to ask for permission:)

5. Smart people read.

6. Kind people win in the end

7. People liked to be asked, and people like to be thanked.

8. Someone else’s lack of planning is not your emergency.

9. Don’t put things down put them away:)

10. God has blessed me, so I need to help others.

and a few things I learned from these phrases..

• “The loudest voice you hear is your own.” I remember distinctly one time when my dad said this to me, he was dropping me off at high school in the morning, I think I was a sophomore. He told me that right before I stepped out of the car. I remember thinking about that as I was walking inside, not totally understanding. I didn’t realize back then how important it is to understand that. How you talk to yourself matters. What you say to yourself matters. Your mind hears it, your body hears it, your heart hears it. Even if you dont think they are. Just remember that just like you as a human, we function our best when we are loved for who we are.. so does your body, mind and heart.

• I think numbers 2, 3, 6 and 10 go well together and really are a good insight into who my dad was. He made people feel loved. He helped those around him. and he gave time to those he loved and those around him! Guys I am not kidding about this one, here are a few examples..

  • my dad was an orthopedic spine surgeon. He had a PA Jordan, I remember finding a sticky note that said the favorite ice cream of both Jordan and his wife.

  • He took the time to get to know the lady at the hospital that served the food in the doctors lounge, he was her friend, and cared about her and her family, we did them for secret Santa one year. Gave her and her kids a Christmas. I remember doorbell ditching all the gifts on their doorstep. She never found out who gave them that.

  • Driving down the road near our house he would list on the names of the people and sometimes small facts about them.

  • He didn’t just meet people, or know them. He really knew them as a person. and did what ever he could to help and make them feel loved. He gave this level of attention to so many people that, from the outside may look like they could do nothing for him. Ultimately he made people feel valued, loved and important to him.

  • We had a lot of people let us know how grateful they were for him and his kindness towards them. He recognized how important it is to feel loved.

• “People liked to be asked, and people like to be thanked”

  • Something really cool about my dad was that he always gave a real thank you to people. Not just a verbal. He would write a hand written note, and print a picture of whatever he was thanking them for and send it to them. Multiple people have told us how special it was to have actually received a thank you letter from him, they couldn’t believe it.

• “Smart people read” this one is really special to me and my family. We read so much growing up. My dad instilled a love for reading in all of us at a very young age and I am so grateful for that, as I am sure my siblings are too. I would read so much, and I couldn’t wait to go tell my dad about the book I had just read. He would make poster boards for the fam in the kitchen, and when we would finish a book we’d go write the book down and highlight out line with what color we were (all of us had a different color haha). Anyways, I love him for that.

• He taught me to do what you love. I started in business school haha, did all the accounting, finance, Econ classes, and did really well, my accounting teacher wanted me to be TA for the next semester.. but I didn’t like it. Dad encouraged me to switch to photography and do what I love. I was worried because since I had already done so much of the business school, I felt behind. but I switched, and oh I am so grateful I did :)

• and last of all, and the most near to my heart.. my love for cameras. Im just beyond grateful for this love and skill he gave me. Something I do everyday, something that gave me a husband.. my Z, and it’s a forever strong bond between me and dad that I feel everyday. I’m forever grateful.

  • one last thing I love about my dad is that he made time for his family and things he loved. You never heard him say, I just dont have time. or maybe someday I’ll be able to do that..

  • He had such a large capacity to live life. His hobbies, like photography and sailing, were things he took time to learn, even if it was 4:45 am. His camera didn’t sit on the shelf for two years untouched. He learned, audited a night class at UVU some nights. taught his daughters. We still have documents he made of pictures he liked from the internet of certain lighting situations, and he would try it out and write down how to do it, and then teach us. haha so cool.

  • something that went along with this is he made our hobbies his hobbies. In his car one time we found a sticky note, “ round off, back handspring, back tuck, full , double) and Jenni was like what is this? and he said I am learning the things you guys do in cheer! Anyways.. if you knew him you always felt loved.

My daddy taught me to be grateful, work hard, go after what you love, always make TIME for those you love, stay healthy, love God and be myself. There aren’t enough words to explain the legacy he left behind for us. These words only try to explain the man he was. He lived life for his family and for God. I love him with my whole heart. I miss him more than any words could ever express.

I promise you, his greatest joy was his family.

TO MY HERO. MY ANGEL DADDY. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I cannot wait to hug you again someday.

your little girl,

Anna

im the little baby in this one:)

love // anna

a step in the right direction

“the smallest step in the right direction can turn out to be the biggest step of your life”

hello! welcome to my little corner of the internet

ya know when you get a feeling that you need to do something, and you put it off, or ignore it, talk yourself out of it.. or convince yourself you can’t or you’re not good enough. I hope you said yes to that, cause then we will get a long great hahah that has been me with a blog for years, ya years, kinda embarrassing to admit but thats real life. I’m crushin’ all those stupid fears right now and doing this thing.

Over these past few years I have experienced so much in life. These years were a season of very big growth. I experienced my highest highs and lowest lows in the past five years. So many happy and exciting, memories but also some very hard, and even harder to understand memories. Both opposites are full of things I never thought or knew I would experience, but here I am and this is my life, and I love every bit of it. It all makes me who I am and gives me the experience to help me in my future and someone going through similar things or hard times in general..

that is what I am hoping for on here!

To be open and vulnerable about the realities of life, the good and the not so pretty. I just wanna share things I wish I knew, and all the things I think about and struggle with, and just life and what I learn when I am crying at 2 am haha we’ve all been there right?

hopefully I can help you see life from a different perspective, and then stand up and move forward stronger. Vulnerability has been one of the biggest things I have learned. GAH its so important to be open and honest with yourself and the people around you and God! It helps you learn more about who you are, and makes you stronger, and helps you move forward more confidently in life.

So let’s be vulnerable! Let’s be ourselves, let’s love all the pieces of ourselves that we’re usually told to hide, and instead let’s show those parts of us! and help each other be strong.

To anyone reading this !! think about something you want to do, and think about what is stopping you from doing that. What is it? insecurity, self doubt, judgment of others and self, fear, procrastination.. all of the above? write it down! try and understand yourself. and then pray about it.

THEN.. take the first step and trust God,.. you are so much stronger than you think you are.

“the smallest step in the right direction can turn out to be the biggest step of your life”

believe in yourself

Here’s to my little online journal! Full of love, fun, happy, real life, traveling, stories and all the things!! As well as all things cameras! cause you know I can’t forget about those! Recommendations, basics, editing, my process and just everything!

I am legit soo so excited! and am really stoked for my friends and fam to be there with me on this one. So welcome to my new crazy, fun, and probably hot mess of a space:) I hope you feel just as at home in my little corner of the internet as I do.

:)

a few of my fav lil sayings i love..

love// anna